Another sleepless night...

I sometimes do stay up all night and think way too much. In my 3 decades being here, I have experienced some rough shit, but nothing that can't be dealt with through time and having a creative outlet.

This last go round though is proving to be more difficult than even I can deal with. You see, the man I was head over heels in love with (pun intended) committed suicide. We were no longer together, but I thought that if he got his shit together, then maybe one day, we would be. That will now never happen. The initial pain from it was so deafening that I couldn't do anything but block it out.

That lasted for a day. I found myself wrapped around my toilet crying and throwing up; not knowing why he did this or what brought him to this point. The manner in which he discussed this prior was always done in the least painful way possible. He didn't take that route. He chose to hang himself and have his partner find him and here lies the complexity of this whole issue.

The reason we initially ended our relationship was that simple fact.

Time had passed, but he didn't change his ways when we rekindled our relationship. The details of the last break-up are pretty clear cut. He enjoyed having his cake and eating it as well. For this I am truly sorry that I didn't end things earlier.

He had a sharp decent into insanity and I could not take that trip with him. For as much as life can sometimes be unbearable, things do and will get better. I wish he could have seen that. I wish he could have known how much he was going to be missed and could step away from the situation that ended his young life.

Will all the lies, it's so hard to see the truth and honesty in this. There isn't enough weed or drinks to make this hurt less. I have put myself on autopilot as to make it through the days and nights.

I will always love you, Shane. No matter where you are or where I wind up, know that I will always be your baby.